Sometimes Patience Isn't Enough

E, grumpily: "School feels like a relief when you've been getting yelled at all morning!"
Me, calmly and gently: "Sweetie, have you noticed that I have not yelled?"
E, with accusation: "Yeah, but all you do is talk in a quiet voice and give me choices!"

We have been dealing with lots of 7-year-old attitude in our house. My education and experience have served me well working with preschoolers; I have pretty much felt that I knew what I'm doing in most of my parenting so far. But this is a whole new world for me, and honestly, it's one that I didn't think I'd have to face.

I thought that if I just parented well enough and taught respect, kindness, and gentleness from a young age, that my child would not challenge me. I thought I could teach conflict resolution without having to practice it, and model respectful conversations without facing disrespect and uncontrolled emotions. I theoretically knew that arguing/talking back is a normal stage, but I thought I could avoid it. I thought I could logically explain why certain issues were not a big deal and have my wisdom internalized and taken at face value.

I was wrong. Despite my patience and consistency (and sadly my sharp-voiced lapses and well-intentioned but misdirected plans) I frequently find myself engaged in battle with my daughter. I knew this would happen when she was a preschooler and accepted it then, but I thought she would grow out of it. I find it very hard to accept now.

I struggle between extremes: [a large] part of me wants to lay down the law and accept no disagreement, another part thinks that I should just stay patient and keep discussion open even in the face of rebellious and rude behavior. Many times, I don't know whether I am being too strict or too lax. Am I making a big deal out of issues that I should let pass? Am I picking fights? Am I ignoring seeds that will grow into bigger problems? Am I enabling bad habits and patterns? Can't we all just get along?

It's often hard to separate the issue from the behavior and response. Sometimes I will ask her to do something that is not really important, but the response is so abrupt and rude that suddenly we have two issues: the disobedience of the request (that could have been avoided by discussing it respectfully) and the rebellious attitude. I did not think I would hear "whatever," "you're mean," "you lie," and "you can't make me" spoken right to my face.

I recognize that I am generally not a very emotional person; I don't feel many things as strongly as others do. This plays into it as I try to nurture positive expression of Elizabeth's strong emotions and teach ways to express and deal with negative emotions. I don't want to repress or invalidate her emotions, but I'm uncomfortable with them.

In the long run, heart issues and attitudes are more important than behavior. That's why this is all such a big deal. We're not simply talking about changing outfits when asked, practicing piano, and cleaning up. This is about respect for authorities, considering other people better than yourself, accepting not getting your way with grace, willingly submitting to someone else, choosing the right thing even when it's hard - these are huge deals! Unfortunately, they're not easy to learn as children or adults.

Ideally, we have long, leisurely days at home to identify these problems and lovingly correct them and bring them to God together. In real life, they come up 10 minutes before the bus comes, or on the way to church. They roar their ugly head at bedtime, bringing sleep deprivation and manipulation into the equation. They snarl when other people are counting on us, when we have a large family gathering coming up, when things just have to get done. They come up after a lull of good behavior, as I am consciously investing in our relationship, and less frequently at predictable stressful times.

I don't have the answers. I muddle through as best as I can, trying to be calm, gentle, loving, patient, and self-controlled and repenting when I mess up. I work on staying constantly connected to God, praying for His wisdom and doing things in His stength. He loves Ellie even more than I do, and He gave her to me to parent. I have to trust Him to help me do it for His glory.

So that's where I am and where we are as a family right now. Honesty and a very long post!