Isaac's grandpa's death is the first that Ellie has experienced (actually, it's the first close death that Isaac has experienced as well). We've been pretty open with her and explained as much as we could. It's been really interesting to see her process it, and I'm sure it will continue for quite a while.
When we first got the call that Grandpa was in the hospital, Isaac dashed off to see him and I stayed home with Ellie. Even though we had been told he had a brain hemorrhage, I didn't make the connection that he would die that morning. I thought he would just be sick and in the hospital for a while. Flustered, I erred on the side of too much information and told Ellie that he had gone to the hospital with a brain hemorrhage, which meant that there "was some bleeding inside his head." Well, that wasn't my smartest move. Ellie got the mental picture that he was bleeding with blood all over, and it was very difficult to convince her that you couldn't see any blood on him.
Other than that, her questions have mostly been pretty predictable with a few surprises. "Where is heaven?" (With God.) "Where did the ambulance park?" (In Grandma and Grandpa's driveway.) "Where do the ambulance drivers live?" (Um, I don't know.) "Will we see Grandpa again?" (When we get to heaven.)
We left Ellie with my parents during the visitation, but we brought her to the funeral and all the stuff today. Isaac and I didn't know if Ellie would want to go look at Grandpa's body, but she did, so we went up to say goodbye to him. She told us she was "very sad."
At the grave, the casket was closed of course. We stood around and said goodbye for a while, and took flowers from an arrangement on the casket. Then as everyone was leaving, Ellie said, "I want to see Grandpa." That made Isaac and me tear up, and we had to explain again that his body was in the casket and we couldn't see him any more. I don't know how people who don't know the hope we have in God explain this stuff and get through it. It must be so hopeless and lost for them.
Indirectly, Ellie has made lots of comments about death. For example, she drew a picture of a little boy and told us that "he's sad because all of his cousins and aunts and uncles have died." Another time she was drawing, she chose dark colors "because Grandpa VanLoon died." While we were driving home from the funeral, she asked if the pictures of people on freeway signs were of dead people. I expect a lot more of random questions like this as she processes this.
4 comments:
My grandma died just before I turned four and I remember it took time to process it as well. My mom actually wrote her thesis on the subject of kids and death so she had great answers to all my questions but it takes time. Ellie is blessed to have such a patient mother!
While the hope we have in Christ makes our accepting the death of loved one easier, it does little to ease the pain of loss. Memmories will live on, but new ones will not be made.
As for us, it is helpful to begin thinking and talking of our own deaths - and the real meaning of death, not as end of this short, finite life, but as the beginning of an eternity of joy and perfect love.
Isaac, Allison, and Ellie, I pray that you will experience some of that joy as you process through your loss.
Bob (Dad and Grandpa)
OK, I'm crying.
I'm so sorry for the loss of Isaac's grandpa.
I marvel at how children, in their own way, process loss and pain in a way that maybe helps us process it.
Because, we as adults don't SAY, "I want to see Grandpa", but we DO want to see Grandpa, right? We know it's not possible but we have that feeling. And Ellie verbalized it. That's amazing, beautiful, and heart-wrenching.
Been thinking about you and the babe! You're getting pretty close, right?
Isaac and Allison. I have enjoyed seeing you both raise Ellie so wonderfully. Keep up the good work! I love the godly example you set for her and in time for Amelie as well. Although Ellie knows Grandpa VanLoon has died. I am glad she was lucky enough and blessed to have had a relationship with her great grandfather. Most kids don't get the chance to do that. So I hope that in time she'll realize that Grandpa isn't really gone, he just went home and will be waiting to greet her along with all of us in time.
Post a Comment